Staples® Letter Opener

An essential tool!

As a lowly paper-pusher in a large company, I am but a cog in the great wheel that is Corporate America. As such, luxuries like "letter openers" are not made avail...Read complete review

As a lowly paper-pusher in a large company, I am but a cog in the great wheel that is Corporate America. As such, luxuries like "letter openers" are not made available to my ilk. I have been forced to endure countless paper cuts, mangled envelopes, and flayed skin from my fingers as I open the multitude of mail that is part of my lot in life.

Finally, at my wit's end, I wandered zombie-like into a Staples store. I turned down a random aisle and, like a beacon shining through the darkness, the Staples® Letter Opener beckoned to me. Its chrome plating nearly blinding me, I shielded my eyes as I plucked it from its peg on the wall. Elated, almost euphoric, I rushed to the cashier, so eager was I to possess this piece of engineering ingenuity.

Now I am master of my department. All others tremble at my power as I whisk through the mail with nary a blemish on my now-ivory skin. I am a model of efficiency, thanks to this wondrous new tool. Management will soon recognize my genius and I shall soon arise from the bowels of this company to my rightful place in the Executive Wing. Thank you, Staples. You have truly changed my life.

P.S.: Also doubles as a shiv if anyone gets in my way while scrambling up that corporate ladder.